Repercussions

Remember that scary low I told you about?

Well, it's still messing with my head.  I go through my days fearing numbers which are admittedly perfect (between 100-110).  Because lower than that, and I'm in double digits.  90s.  Scary.  80s.  Even Scarier.  70s.  Give me that juice!  60s.  Give me juice, get me a chair and don't talk to me!  I don't think I've been lower than that, and that's good because where else can I go from there.  So I admittedly have been running a little high this week, but mostly in the 140s range, which is not horrible.  Over-treating lows?  Absolutely.   And that's just during the day.  When I get home at night, I make dinner and eat dinner and I hang out, whether talking to friends or not, and trying to get up the courage to record my You Can Do This video.  Instead I watch others, (and this one over and over) and try to ignore the head games that diabetes is playing with me.  And then I try to go to bed.  And I sit on my couch scared to walk into my bedroom.  My bedroom is cozy, cool and comforting and diabetes has made it scary.  I don't want to go to sleep at night.  I read and play Angry Birds so that I literally can't keep my eyes open anymore.  Only then am I able to go to sleep.  Living alone and being alone?  It's scary right now.  That's what 23 does to a person!  

I want diabetes to leave me alone.  I know that in time I will be comfortable again, and I'll go to sleep at decent times and I won't lack patience anymore, and I won't need to survive on a caffeine drip because of the lack of sleep because of the fear.  I know that day will come.  But here, this week?  Not a chance.

Irrationally Rational

I went home for Memorial Day weekend.  It's just so much easier to deal with the heat in lots of space (and at the neighbor's pool.)  My original plan was to have an early dinner with my parents and then head back to my apartment right after.  Those plans changed when I went to a baseball game and cookout with my friend (which was awesome!)  I drove back to my parents about an hour after I wanted to leave to go back to Boston.  Before the cookout, I was 302 mg/dL.  So when I got all my stuff together to leave, I wasn't thinking that my BG would affect me.  But there it was, a 55 mg/dL staring at me.  And then 20 minutes later, 50 mg/dL.  I suspended my pump, and then 56 mg/dL and then when I was 59 mg/dL, my temper flared.  My father told me I didn't need to get upset about it (but I clearly was).  And this is where I became irrationally rational.  I yelled back "Well I should!  Because if I get mad I'll get stressed out and stress raises your blood sugar and nothing else is working!"And twenty minutes later, I was 81 mg/dL.

D appointment

I did today's post a little differently than I normally do.  Yesterday was latest "endo" appointment, and there were a lot of emotions swirling around in my brain.  So I wrote the beginning of my post before I left.  I didn't know where my emotions would be post appointment, and I wanted to be able to accurately capture all emotions included both before and after this appointment. 


Before:

Today I have an appointment with my D nurse.  I'm excited for this appointment.  I know, it sounds crazy.  But for the first time in a LONG time, I think I'll have an A1C under 8.  And I think the last time that happened was when I saw her and when I had the first one.

But I also have a list of questions I need to ask.  The first being about seeing an endo.  Since I had such an awesome endo as a kid, I feel as though that is the right path.  I won't stop seeing my nurse, because she's awesome.  But there's just something in me that thinks I should also see an endo.

And then the fun questions.  When I was skiing, my 3rd and 4th toes of my right foot got tingly.  I think it only happened in the chairlift, and skiing down the mountain made it go away.  But I still don't like that feeling.  BUT, it could be because my toes are in a tight, enclosed space.  And cold.  Please pray that that is what it is.
But my feet also get tingly when I sit cross legged.  And I sit cross-legged all the time.  I know that sitting like that can enhance neuropathy.  But it's such a habit.  And even sitting here writing this I'm cross-legged.  I am trying beyond anything to stop sitting like that, because it's the only time my feet get tingly.  But Diabetes, PLEASE don't be the cause.  Please let this go away if I stop crossing my legs.  When I get the little pokey thing on my foot, please let me feel it.  Please don't make me walk away crying.

And just this week I wasn't feeling like I was at the top of the game, and as I went to bed Sunday night I realized that I have the classic Celiac symptoms.  This is the one that is most pressing on my mind at the moment.  I have friends and family who have this, so I've certainly eaten this way before, but not as a lifestyle.  Yesterday I tried to eat gluten free to see if my symptoms stayed or went away.  And guess what, they went away.  I know that one day doesn't prove anything, but it's certainly leaning in that direction.  There was more around that was gluten free than I thought there would be, but then as I was getting the kids snacks ready, I just grabbed a piece of cereal (before the milk was in it) and ate it.  If this ends up being a new "thing" for me, that is going to be one of the hardest parts.

My thoughts going into this appointment: C'mon diabetes.  I'm working at this again and now you're going to shove all this at me?!

After:


I AM KICKING DIABETES' ASS!  Yes, I need to tell you about the whole thing, but first, my A1C is 7.2!  At my last appointment it was 8.1.

I go in and do all the boring things (blood pressure, weight(it went up slightly, but I blame the rain boots and jacket), BG test and blood for A1C) and they take my pump(s) to download them.  (And I hope you didn't want a waiting room picture because I never was actually in the waiting room.)  When I was done with her, I went to wait in the exam room and I didn't even time to tweet that I was there before my nurse came in.

She asked how I was, what my basals were, which led to talking about switching pumps and how the meter remote was my deciding factor, waiting for my pumps and their reports to come back and if there was anything else I wanted to talk to her about.  I told her how I had been experiencing a few Celiac symptoms lately (my guess is that it's been a few weeks) and how on Tuesday I ate gluten free and I did not experience the symptoms.  I wanted to make sure she knew that I was not self-diagnosing, but it was the best way for me to test my theory in such a short period of time, and that I would just like to get tested.  I wasn't going to need labs today, but I think that is worth knowing.  She informed me that there are also people who are not Celiac, but have a wheat intolerance, so I may just want to cut back.  This is something I have been trying to do, but now I think I just need to focus on it a little bit more.

We continued on and she asked about my feet, so I told her my tingly feet experiences, and she did the metal vibrating tool thing on my big toe and it felt like forever before I could stop feeling.  She said she does not think I have neuropathy, it's just that when I cross my legs my blood vessels are getting squished causing my feet to feel funny.

And then my pump(s) came back with a ton of print outs and we realized that I've been going high before lunch, so we increased my breakfast insulin:carb ratio.  I told her how I was going low post lunch (a time when I'm frequently getting in the car) so I changed my basals without doing a basal test, but I'm not going low anymore.  Tuesday and Wednesday morning I woke up high, but Monday night I was eating a lot and SWAGing, so I didn't count that as a high BG in the morning, but an unsuccessful SWAG.  She agreed.

And then she said, "let's check your A1C."  And she squealed.  "Are you ready?" as she turned her computer screen to me.  But I couldn't find the number!  And she told me..."7.2"  And as I stammered through composure and smiling and a whole lot of happiness I heard "Look at what YOU did!!"  (And this statement reminded me of something I think George's doc would say)  And I managed to tell her I haven't been this low since before I started college.  If you don't me well enough and want a reference point, that was 2003.  And then even better, "I hope you're going to celebrate tonight!"  I don't know if I squealed or not, but I did when I got back to my car.  And then she told me that this number/drop is even more amazing because it wasn't achieved because of lots of and/or extreme lows.

And then I had to go back out for labs.  I was standing there waiting with all these other people and they were all looking kinda blah, and I couldn't help but smile!  I got my blood taken, scheduled my next appointment, and sat down to text my mom.  And then of course share it with all of you. I'm still riding on this high, and I couldn't be more proud of myself if I tried right now.  

Plummet on the Bike

I went back to the gym last week.  Finally.  And since it's been a while, I decided to ease back into it and use the bike.  I got on a fancy bike with a screen that simulates a road, and it was really cool.  After about 15 minutes, I felt a little weird, but decided to keep going until my loop was done.  After 4 miles, I felt really weird.  And my loop was done, so I cleaned off the machine and went for my meter in the locker room.  That trusty little pink machine blinked a nice bright 34 mg/dL back at me.  I opened my little gluco-shot and poured it down.  It doesn't feel like it works, but I don't know if it does or not.  Since I was 574 before going in, it was all I had with me, and it was my last strip.  I don't like to be in the shower while I'm low, so I got dressed and went out to my car.  I was in the parking garage texting people: I'm in my car stabbing juice boxes with pens and eating Valentines hearts.  The juice box in there didn't have a straw so stabbing it was my only option.  Since I didn't have another test strip, I just kept digging in to my bag of Valentine's hearts.  I didn't feel low at 34, so I was nervous to drive.  I think I ate those hearts for about 20 minutes when I started my car and drove down the road to Target for some juice.  Do you know that at 8PM at night, everyone either wants to be awake forever (caffeine) or they think they're overweight (diet).  All I wanted was a single bottle of juice.  It was not to be found.  Instead I ended up with gummy peaches and gatorade.  Can you guess which I chose to consume  before driving again?  I'll give you a hint: the gatorade is still in my car.  I get back to my apartment (and get a parking space!!), and I get my new bottle of strips and I'm 167.  And all is right with the world...

Or so I thought until I wanted to go to bed and I was over 400.  I stayed up another hour, was back in the 300s, and THEN I went to bed.

Glucagon

I've never needed glucagon.  I take pride in this.  I probably could have used it a few times in my life (when my forehead slammed on the desk in third grade, when I blacked out with my friends in high school - I didn't drink in high school, so this was the effect of a low), but I've never received it.  And yesterday my friend started talking to me about how she has never used it either, but how she's had some serious lows before.  Talking to my friend, remembering Jacquie's post, and reading Sarah's post, we feel like we are ticking time bombs.  I've gone 21 years without it.  I know where it is in my apartment, but would I be able to tell someone where it is if I needed it?  Would I be here, able to access it?  What would be the reason why I needed it?  How would I handle it?  What would happen after?  This weekend was scary.  It has me thinking about the reality of glucagon more seriously.  I am not prepared for this, but are we ever?

Switchboard Hell

I was trying to get in touch with my PCP yesterday.  Dr. Cheerleader works at a hospital, so of course I have to call the main hospital line.  And I have to listen to how they've change their name, and that the push button options are different.  So I listen, and I realize that I need to push 4.  Four is what you do if you know the department or person you're trying to get in touch with.  So I listen to the man and after the beep I say her name.  "The name we heard is *correct first name* *totally completely incorrect last name.*  If this is wrong, press star and repeat."  I did this four times when Boy Genius started making weird/not-good-sounding sounds, so I hang up and I go check on him.  He's fine, and annoyed that I interrupted his book-reading.  I call again and start the process again.  I say Dr. Cheerleader's name two more times, and now I start getting *totally completely incorrect first name* *totally completely incorrect last name.*  OK, now I'm seriously frustrated.  So I say Internal Medicine instead.  "The name we heard is Physical Medicine.  If this is wrong press star and repeat." So I say it again.  "The name we heard is Internal Audit.  If this is wrong press star and repeat." I'm boiling (just like the pasta I'm making for the Genius children for dinner). I hang up, and I start all over again.  This time I press 1 to talk with a physician.  And I get a person!!  "Internal Medicine please"   And I get there.  I get to the intro person at Internal Medicine, and I get asked to say who my doctor is.  So I ask for Dr. Cheerleader, and that secretary is currently on the phone.  So I wait a few minutes, but they have it set up that if you wait a few minutes, to automatically leave a message and the secretary will call you back.  I leave my message.  And I stick my phone in my pocket (quite uncomfortable).  I wake up Girl Genius for her nap, and after cuddle time I call back again.  I go straight to 1, and ask for my doctor by name.  "I'm sorry, but that office is closed now."  I say okay, but in my head "ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?!"  The message I left is important enough for a call back, and I don't get one.  I like my doctor, but I'd like to request she find a new place to practice.

When Diabetes Gets in the Way of Work

This morning as I was walking back to the house with Girl Genius and she was having a hard time keeping up.  She is four, and completely bundled in snow gear, so it's hard to get frustrated, but seriously easy when you're already frustrated because the whole morning was on the late side.  So as she's dawdling, and I feel like my BG is on the higher side, I was reminded of a walk in May.

In May, Girl Genius and I were not as close as we are right now.  And Mom Genius was in Europe for the week.  She only went to school three days per week then, and this was a day she did not have school.  Part of my education is how kids quickly learn about empty threats, so you need to follow through with what you threaten, otherwise, they'll never take you seriously.  This is true in a classroom, as a nanny, and I hear it now from a lot of my mother's friends who are now grandparents.  As we were walking home, she asked me if she could walk on the stone wall, but didn't say please.  If they don't say please, my response is always either 1. stick my ear out towards them, or 2. "I'm not sure."  On that day I said, "I'm not sure," and she stomped her feet.  So I definitively told her that she could not walk on the wall.  So she sat down, and cried.  And I explained to her how all she would've had to do was say please, and then she could've, but since she stomped her feet, she lost the privilege that morning.  She wouldn't stand up, and I didn't pick her up because she loves getting carried.  So we waited, and waited, and waited.  And then I got really sweaty, and weak, and tired.  And I could see the house, where my tabs were safely staying, but I couldn't get to them.  I suspended my pump hoping it would get better.  But it didn't; my symptoms just got more intense.  Eventually I grabbed her hand and we walked back, but she was in time-out.  We walked in the house and I was somewhere in the 40s, so I got out my tabs and sat down at the kitchen table.  I don't know how the rest of the day went, but I do know that having D interrupt how I work with kids has made a lasting impact.  


And what did I learn?  I learned to carry tabs with me on our walks to school.

Diabetes Police

My dia-buddy pointed me in the direction of this on facebook.  It's a status with a bunch of comments and there were a few that we would all be happy about, but I'm leaving those out because they aren't involved with the police.  In this conversation with have a Type 3 (T3), my dia-buddy (DB) and the diabetes police (DP).

T3 Status: 89 years ago today Insulin was first tested on a human with diabetes.  We have come so far but still have a long way to go! Hoping to someday have a cure!

DP: raw diet.... seriously- check it out; humans are as simple as a fish tank! sounds silly doesnt it? remember 7th grade science~ Acid-Base and alkalinity tests ~ keep your diet basic and you will avoid most if not all forms of sickness and disease ~~~ sad part is I am just as guilty...but I encourage other to look into this: I have a friend who beat diabeties --- his doctors doubt it but in thier words " it's just disappeared" ~ crazy stuff but the more you reseaerch it I bet it will change your thoughts on a disease that runs so ramped in our family and is so feared

T3:My husband is a type 1. Is this just for type 2 or can it work on type 1 also?

DP:If you ask the docs there is no cure... I don't know what to think so I just ponder what few experiences I have; example 1- as an Emt any patient we come in contact with we consider giving them a line- a line is a bag of fluid via i.v.. Its common knowledge most folks are in a constant state of dehydration - or acidic. Back to basic acid-base I spoke of before. Then there was my old boss and now good friend I spoke of before - full on diabetic before and now as normal as you or I all by way of "Raw diet" --- docs can't explain it....

I am no expert nor pretend to be but with it in my family and seeing it so often at work (emt) it makes me wonder, concerned, and question. I truely think we are what we eat -

DP:‎....Also think about this- any medicine we inject or take or use makes us weaker. Take for example a very common, simple and seemingly harmless drug like oxygen. Folks using o2 often "supliment" then soon "need" then "can't live without" then it is their demise --- look at COPD patients --- I think far to often modern medicals "fixes" are bandaids that shut down the natural system(s) our body has in place to fix the need naturaly. In other words - don't use it, you lose it. Scary stuff I think

T3:Very interesting and insightful!! I will look up the raw diet thing! Thanks for the info!!

DB:I think that the raw diet is NOT a cure to diabetes...I also think that tho your friend my not have signs of diabetes, it will return and because of this "fad diet" his/her complications will be worsened. Also your view on medication tho it may be true in the example you gave is not true with diabetes, I lost the ability to produce insulin looonnnggg before the doctor put me on insulin thus making me and others extremely sick and another thing to ponder for you if it seems to you that we are what we eat therefore eating poorly is the cause of diabetes what is the explaination for those who get it upon birth, as an infant or small child.. it is in my opinion that your friend who had full on diabetes (whatever that means) did not have type 1 diabetes and its not type 1 that youre talking about at all

DP:I did not intend at all to offend nor do I believe it is a cure ~ neithe a cure nor the coming of Christ, the Easter Bunny, or the Toothe Fairy. If you reread you will notice it was more of a proposal- a request for someone else to think about something that is on my mind. I do not pretend to be an expert by any means but I am free to question right? I have no gain at all in this other than putting forward a question of my own and what appears to be a logical (not miracle cure as you suggest)but perhaps betterring of ones situation. I obviously hit a nerve with you- not at all my intent I promise... I dont even know you. But I do know T3 and feel she knows me enough to realize my intentions are good ~ besides; what could hurt to try a differrent approach, try something out of the ordinary and new? How has a healthier lifestyle ever hurt anyone? And isnt diet the first thing doctors address the moment it is determined someone has Type 2 diabeties ~ in an effort to prevent the condition from worsenning to an "incurable type 1"? Perhaps it is the view of others that there is now cure and the medical world we live in is the best its goin to get but I prefer to spend my days ponderring and freely exploring other avenues for if not a cure maybe at least a better quality of life. I dont for a second believe that I should be attacked or faulted for such a thing--- it was meerly a harmless suggestion. I also assure you that is you hold the biast and aggressive attack for a moment and research history and disease and how we have evolved you may notice it is unquestionable that over time as we progressed from grazers and game killers as a way of life and moved forward to a lifestyle of processed foods, grains, preservatives, chemicals etc as our foodsource is based today our health has declined as a result. Now Fad diet ~ a bit extreme statement isnt it? Now if we were talkin Jenny Craig or Southbeach I'd be right on board with ya! (suttle joke to show I am not upset and trying to be reasonable- its ok : ) 

--- Agree... don't aggree... either is fine; but I still encourage others to look into it and when you do I will gladly chat about it!

DB:Its true I don't know you and I am not overly offended by your comments. Its when people say that diabetes can be cured or beaten and that due to poor lifestyle chooses a person gets diabetes. I may also not have my facts straight or even any facts about the raw diet but when it comes to diabetes I do have my straight. Type 2 does not become Type 1 they are completely different diseases other than the fact that they share a name and common disbeliefs. I have no issue with a healthier lifestyle I am all for people being healthier and staying away from processed food but thats not what started me on the rant its was you that said your friend had "beat diabetes" because of the raw food diet. Type 1 has no cure, no way to beat or any of that. Also when you say that the medicines "we inject, take or use make us weaker", a person with diabetes can not choose not to take their insulin, your don't use it lose it saying just doesn't fit when talking about type 1 diabetes. I am sorry for my attitude. It frustrates me as a person with diabetes to have someone say things like you are with good intentions but not exactly the whole picture. I am not sure how to put it into words. I agree with everything you say about the meds and the healthy foods. Its just when you say the things about diabetes you are sending a "negative" message to people about something I fight strongly to share in make something that people talk down about. I get that is not what you had intended to do but someone will read that and think well why not just beat it.

DP:Well... Again I mean it in the best way but... Why not just beat it? Glass is half full right? Now this happens (to be quite frank) to be a damn big glass but there's bigger glasses ~ often --- now this is where I open an even bigger can of metaphorical worms so look out!--- often those attempting to tackle such a glass have far more guts n grit than folks like me ... I guess that's why I take an interest to begin with. I just lost a buddy to cancer ... He was a far braver man than I an I def looked up to him - ... To think I get frustrated at lifes challenges?!- what do I have to be frustrated over? - nothing. That guy was told by Ivy League Docs at Dartmouth he had weeks to live --- THE MAN LIVED YEARS! How awesome is that- we're gonna beat Diabeties and cancer and much more....

Oh damn, why didn't I think of just beating it?

Not So Unflappable Me

This year for Christmas, my grandmother wrote all of us inspirational notes to accompany our gifts.  In my mother's note, she called her unflappable.  And it's true.  (And it probably drives my grandmother crazy.)  I, on the other hand, am not so unflappable.  So as we were enjoying our snow day, I was becoming more and more agitated with diabetes.
9:10 AM - 275
11:06 AM - 279
12:23 PM - 80
12:48 PM - 49
2:16 PM - 238
3:14 PM - 81
3:46 PM - 68
4:02 PM - 122
7:26 PM - 345
10: 21 PM - 274
11:19 PM - 133
And after being sick the day before, I yell out in frustration "It's a good thing I'm going tomorrow!"  (to Joslin) And then I finished my lunch, and sat down at my computer to read some blogs before going back out to shovel.  And I sit down and I start reading about Kerri being honest and I'm glued to my screen.  It's certainly not what I want to see (for any person with diabetes), but it's exactly what I need to see.  I remember when I first started reading sixuntilme, and I sent the link to my longest dia-buddy and she said, "Briley, I can't read this.  She thinks 160 is high."   I've been a 8._ A1C-er probably since I started college.  The lowest I ever got was 8.4.  So the 8.2 I got last time was huge for me.  And yet, I'm still sitting here going crazy.  As I'm glued to my computer, my mother is standing at the counter tapping her foot waiting for me to get my snow gear back on.  I talk to her about the blogs I read, but she doesn't quite understand how much they mean to me, and how much they help me, and especially how reading Kerri's has gotten me back on track.  (Kerri, if she only knew how much you help me, then you'd have a bigger fan than any of us in the DOC.)  By the time I finished reading I was furious.  I was mad that this post that is really helpful to me, is now tainted with this frustrated feeling.  I love to comment, but I couldn't.  I didn't want my anger highlighted for all to see.  Instead I've been stewing for a few days.  How we all get there.  How do we get out of it.  How do we get the help we need?  Do we have all the help/support we need?  Is there more I can do for me? for others?  Will I ever get under 8?  How hard will it be?  If I do, can I keep it there?  What about someday, way far off, when it absolutely needs to be lower?  Will I be able to do it?  So far there is no evidence (as an adult) that I can.  Did my unflappable mother ever have these doubts about herself when she was taking care of me?  If she did, I certainly never saw them.  How did she hide them? (Now that I'm an adult, I do know that she had them, but she never let me see.)  How do I go from working really hard and seeing results to working really hard and not seeing results?  And why?  And how do I not let it get the best of me?

Diabetes Feelings that aren't Diabetes

I was driving home from work yesterday, and I was on the phone with my mother complaining about the way my body felt.  "Mom, I feel low, but I'm 247!  I feel like I should be able to fix this feeling with juice, but juice will just make it worse!  UGH!"  You get the idea. "You know, Briley, that your body will feel ways that aren't related to diabetes.  You are a person just like the rest of us."


OK Mom, you got me.  But I have this feeling, that I've been taught to fix for 21 years.  This weak feeling in my body?  I drink juice and it goes away.  I'm thirsty?  I drink water, take a shot and it goes away.  Other symptoms for me include glassy eyes (clearly I can't notice this symptom), runny nose, and shaky.  But now I feel this way, and I'm prepared to make it go away, and it's not diabetes related.  Now what do I do?  I am not prepared for this.  I've been trained to focus on the way my body feels as it relates to diabetes.  So now that it's not, that also means it's not fixable.  And I must say, I'm not a fan.

Strength

When my diabetes got attacked, I was already having a pretty tough day. And things are good in my life. Probably because I'm an eternal optimist, but I could use a little bit more support lately, and then I watched the CMA's and I saw this:

  

I've been listening to it over and over and over, and already Girl Genius knows some of the words.  Then a few days ago I was in the car with her, and before driving her to school, I tested.  From the backseat I hear,

"Briley, how much blood sugars do you have?"

"121"

"Is that good?"

"Yes, it's almost perfect for me."

"Oh good!"

It is amazing to me how such simple questions, with pure curiosity, can make me feel so much better.  Now if an adult asked me that question I would answer it with 15 times a day, but a 4 year-old's incorrect grammar just make it all that much better.  

Attack

Two days ago my diabetes got attacked.  In the conversation of an unrelated topic, all of a sudden I heard, "You have diabetes.  You have an autoimmune disease so you are weak."  Since I'm a nanny, I'm a big fan of not interrupting people.  I broke that rule: "Do not EVER talk to me about my diabetes again.  You think I don't know I have diabetes?  The testing and bolusing are a constant reminder, and while I'm living my life I don't need you looking down on me."


I may have over-reacted.  But this is a person who I have tried to teach about diabetes (especially as it relates to me) over the course of the five years I have known them, and they clearly have not taken as much in as I thought.  And it isn't that I don't want them to talk to me about diabetes, but I certainly don't ever want to be attacked again.  


Is there anyone else out there who has had a similar experience?  Especially with someone who you thought knew about diabetes?




*On a side note, Happy Veterans Day to all, especially to the Veterans*

Physical + Everything else

Diabetes is a physical disease.  Your pancreas stops producing insulin and thus, you're diagnosed with type 1 diabetes.  Physical, right?  Yes.

But it's so much more.

I woke up yesterday morning in a cold sweat.  I knew I was low.  I grabbed my meter, tested, then popped some tabs in.  As I was gathering myself again, I realized that it shouldn't be this light out.  I look up, realize it's 8:23.  Um, I'm supposed to be at work at 7:30.  Grab my phone, surprised I didn't hear it ring.  I have a text that says, "are you okay?"  Not, where are you, you're supposed to be here, or anything of that nature.  I call my mother (the thought that I didn't wake up because of a severe low would scare her didn't cross my mind at this time).  I text Mom Genius back telling her that I had a severe low BS, but that I'd be there shortly.  (Still not thinking right since by this time the kids are on their way to school.) She calls me, she's at Girl Genius's school, so don't worry until I have to pick her up.  Will I be okay?  Yes,  Mom Genius, I will be okay.  Want to know why?  Because your first question was "are you okay?" I call my own mother back telling her that Mom Genius is great and wanted me to be okay and that she brought the kids to school, and yup, I can survive now. I'm half dressed already, I heat up my coffee, make some breakfast, then get in the shower.  The rational thought processes have left the building so-to-speak because the next thoughts that enter my brain are "I'm lonely."  I am not a lonely person.  I have the best family & friends in the world, I feel like I'm becoming a social butterfly (this is weirder to me than any of you reading this, I guarantee it), I love the people I work with, and I am an eternal optimist.  The thoughts going through my mind though, were, I wish I wasn't single.  If I wasn't single well then maybe I wouldn't have been alone this morning.  If I hadn't been alone this morning, then someone else would've heard my alarm and realized that I wasn't waking up.  Someone else probably would've felt my intense sweating as well and realized something was wrong when it started, not on the way back up again.

This physical disease can cripple me at any time, and today it decided to strike.  The long term effects of this strike weren't physical, they were psychological and those are the effects that are harder to let go of.

"You only have type 2!"

From September 20, 2010

I'm not sure at what point it came, but there were times when I became frustrated about having diabetes.  I think we've all been there, but I don't remember it when I was first diagnosed.  I remember when I was in elementary school getting upset that mom or dad wouldn't test too.  I specifically remember throwing my meter across the room.  This was not a cute little meter like I currently use, but had test strips this size:
If the test strips are this size, you can imagine how big the meter actually was.  Back to being frustrated...I was talking with my mother and my aunt this weekend.  My aunt's mother was diagnosed with type 2 after I was diagnosed with type 1.  This woman was complaining to my aunt about all the work it took, and paying attention to what was going on in her life.  My mom remembers this story because these are the stories that carry you through the difficult times.  My aunt told her mother that because I had type 1, I have to be much more meticulous, do much more in regards to shots and eating, and I never complained.  (I am sure that isn't true, but I only complained to the endocrinologist and my parents.)  When my aunt would bring my cousins to the doctor and they didn't want to get a shot, she would tell them to suck it up because "look at how many shots Briley has to take!"  This really cracks me up.  Yes, I took a lot of shots.  In the first year alone, I tested my blood sugar at least 1,460 times and took shots at least 1,095 times.  But when I went to the doctor, I WAS that screaming child.  My mother always told me not  to worry because I have to take enough shots so getting shots and blood taken was something I was allowed to get upset about.  This wasn't part of my every day, this was more.  It might not be fair, it might not have been the best thing to say since I still couldn't get a shot by myself when I was 18 (now that I'm 25 I can handle it, but I still have to be reminded to breathe).